i wrote a fanfic.

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 04:57:25 GMT

mood | tired
music | 理由; Dir en grey

Title: Riyuu
Author: 4thmodeofdeity
Chapter(s): One/?
Pairing: KyoxToshiya (one-sided)
Rating: NC 17
Warnings: Rape, suicide
Summary: Toshiya has feelings for Kyo, but it goes horribly wrong.
Disclaimer: I don't own Dir en grey and it's probably a good thing I don't.
A/N: This is a fic interpretation of the page opposite Riyuu/Wake.

A bright day in late summer, without a cloud in the clear blue sky. The wind was softly blowing, causing dark hair to flutter forwards from the tall frame of a man.

-------------------------------

Two days ago, a dark, muggy evening.

Dir en grey could only assume they had just finished practice early after Kaoru ran out of the recording studio with a cracked guitar in one hand and the rest of his belongings in the other, shouting incoherently about contacting them later.

Die grinned and went over to Toshiya in his usual playful mannel, "Do you want to go out drinking?"
Toshiya laughed quietly and shook his head. "No, thanks, I'm not really up to it."

Meanwhile, Shinya and Kyo both went to get their belongings quietly, then exited the studio, both exhausted from the toll the practice had taken on them, even though it ended early.

Toshiya stared after Kyo, then looking back at Die, said, "Ready to go?"

Toshiya's car had recently broken down and was getting repaired, and since Die lived in the same building as him, he was in charge of driving him back and forth to practice. The two were obviously friends anyways, so it wasn't a strain. They gathered their things from the studio and got into Die's car. As they were driving, Die noticed that Toshiya was being pretty quiet; not usual for Toshiya. Normally, Toshiya wasn't quiet at all.

"Hey--what's going on?" Die asked, sounding slightly concerned. "First you say no to going out drinking, then you're quiet. What's wrong?"

Toshiya hesitated for a second. "Well.. I uh,"
Die pulled over by their building, giving Toshiya a bitter smile. "Him, again?"

Toshiya nodded. "Yeah. We spoke a little bit this morning, and he looked back at me when he left.." the bassist trailed off.
Die sighed, wiping at his face. "I don't know, Toshiya. It doesn't seem like a good thing to get yourself into. Why don't you come out with me tonight, try and clear your head? Maybe meet someone else?" Die pushed, knowing that Kyo didn't seem to return these feelings and not liking the feeling of an issue like this potentially causing a split in the band.

The words fell on deaf ears, however, and Toshiya shook his head and smiled, albeit sadly. "No. you don't understand.. no one can compare to him," he sighed, knowing what Die was thinking. "It's hard, once you notice someone like that, especially him, you can't really look away."

A few hours later, Toshiya went to Die's door and knocked. A tired-looking redhead came to the door, raising an eyebrow.
"I think I'm going to talk to him, Die. I'm walking there now but I heard it might rain, so would ypu be able to pick me up if I stay there late?"
The guitarist bit his lower lip, looking unsure.
"I just want to talk about it with him," Toshiya tried to reason.
"Do what you want," Die said, still not seeming too enthusiastic about the decision but knowing Toshiya would go anyways.
"If anything doesn't work out right though, let me know. just call me when you're done there and I'll come pick you up," the redhead told more than offered, a bad feeling lingering in the pit of his stomach.

"I will," Toshiya nodded again. before walking outside and beginning the short distance to Kyo's apartment, his way guided by the dim streetlights illuminating the road. Watching him go, Die sighed heavily and shut the door to his apartment.

As he arrived at the door to Kyo's apartment, it began to rain. The apartment was outward-facing, leaving Toshiya caught in the rainfall. He reached out towards the door to knock on it, but froze halfway, his eyes widening as he realized what he was about to do; why had he come up with this idea anyways?
He began to reach for his cell phone before forcing himself not to. He had felt like this for long enough, at least perhaps speaking to the blonde would help.
Who knows, maybe he wouldn't even bring up the subject of his feelings.

He stood there shaking for a few minutes before at last reaching out and knocking. A flash of blonde, and the door in front of him was opened.
"Toshiya?" Kyo asked, staring at him. Toshiya forced himself to nod a little, as Kyo led him inside.

Taking off his shoes instinctively, he looked back at Kyo once he was finished. The vocalist stared back at him, a confused expression on his face. "What's wrong, Toshiya? You don't look right."

Toshiya opened his mouth to reply, but the words didn't come out. He tried again, and all of a sudden, everything he had been hiding poured out in one quick breath, in the exact opposite way Toshiya planned for them to.

"Kyo... it's.. well, it's been going on for a long time and I've wanted to talk to you about it to try and sort out how I feel but it feel like I'm falling in love with you."

A pause. A deafening pause, as if some sort of shadow came over the both of them. Toshiya's eyes widened in some sort of horror and he covered his mouth.

"What?" came a more-than-confused response. The blonde looked extremely disbelieving, his head tilted to the side.

Toshiya swallowed and looked down, letting his hand drop as he repeated himself. "I said..that I love you, I've liked you for a while, and the feelings just aren't going away, and..." he trailed off.

The air was so heavy Toshiya felt almost as if it would crush him. He could hear the rain picking up outside when the sound of Kyo's voice brought him back to the situation at hand, and he looked back up at the other man.

"W-what?" Kyo's eyes were wide and his face in some sort of shock. He lifted his hand and pointed at himself. "Me?" a small, uneasy laugh. "You can't be serious. No, you're not serious." Another tense pause between their speech.
"You're lying. Stop lying to me, Toshiya." There was something different in Kyo's eyes suddenly, and his voice was now dangerous.

Even when they performed, Kyo never looked like this. What Toshiya saw in when he looked across the stage from time to time was a far more muted version of this.

Toshiya flinched, hearing his words. "What are you talking about? I'm not lying, and I know you probably don't feel the same but I wanted t--" Kyo was moved quickly, so that he was mere centimeters away and looking up at Toshiya, his eyes cold, almost telling a story of why he was reacting like this, of something that had happened to him in the past.

"Get out," the muttered words brought Toshiya back to the situation he was in.

"But--"

"Get the fuck out, Toshiya."

"Kyo, wh--"

"Are you fucking listening to me, Toshiya? Get the fuck out!"

Toshiya stumbled backwards, barely able to remain upright. He turned to get his shoes on when he felt a weight against his back.

"So you love me, huh?" The voice was definitely Kyo's, but it was different than what it usually was. It wasn't the Kyo he knew and was friends with. No, this Kyo was completely different, threatening and cold.

Not waiting for a response, a hand gripped onto Toshiya's hair and pulled hard, causing him to scream and fall backwards. Kyo quickly backed out of the way, letting him crash to the floor. He straddled Toshiya, nearly ripping off his clothes piece by piece.

Toshiya had no idea of what was going on. He tried to struggle, tried to pull away, but Kyo was much stronger than he appeared and every time he tried to resist, his efforts were matched and overcome by the other man. Kyo seemed to be grinning, wider and wider as Toshiya struggled.

Toshiya, with only a pair of boxers left on his hips, lifted his head and looked at Kyo, saying fearfully, "You're insane..."

Kyo looked up and stared into his face, before hittng it as hard as he could. As a trickle of blood ran down from his mouth, the last things Toshiya heard as the world around him went black were, "Shut up, whore."

A few minutes later, Toshiya came to, slowly opening his eyes and looking directly in the face of Kyo, once again. Kyo loomed over him, saying quietly, "I decided to wait. I want you to be awake for this."

The sudden softness in Kyo's voice was deceiving, as Toshiya almost smiled. Yes, it was all a dream until now, he just passed out when he admitted his feelings. Kyo really does like him, too. How lucky is he to have this?

His thoughts were cut short when he felt a searing pain cut through him. He lifted his head again to see Kyo forcing his way into him.

How lucky.

A few minutes later, Toshiya was filled with the most sickening feeling as Kyo climaxed inside of him, pulling out once he was completely finished.

Kyo stood up, walking over to the bassist and staring at him, the frightening, deranged grin finally gone and replaced with a cold, impersonal stare. He said harshly, "I'm going to give you five minutes to get out." With that, he disappeared into the apartment.

After three minutes had passed, Toshiya somehow pulled his clothes on and stood up, trembling, slipping his shoes back on. He nearly tripped outside into the pouring rain, looking over his shoulder at the door to Kyo's door. Kyo was standing there, the door partially open, staring at him. Kyo slowly opened his mouth, saying in a low, dangerous voice. "None of this ever happened. Understand?"

Toshiya stared at him behind the wet mop his hair had formed. He was silent.

Then he turned. And using all of his strength, he ran.

On the other side of the door, whatever it was which had so quickly possessed Kyo cumbled away and the blonde's eyes widened in disbelief. A shriek of horror distinctly different from those he used to perform came from him and he collapsed.

Toshiya never called Die. He never called anyone. He just kept running, not wanting and not able to think about anything except the sound of his feet running through puddle after puddle. At last, he slipped and fell, scratching open his right knee and his hands. He curled up against a wall, finally giving in to what he felt and began crying, eventually passing out from sheer exhaustion.

The next day, he opened his eyes. The sun was out and shining into his face. "Where am I," Toshiya muttered to himself as he looked away from the annoyingly bright sunlight, at the rest of his surroundings. He was beside some building, in an alley. He tried to rise to his feet, a sharp sting coming from his knee and several other places as he did. He looked down, and as he saw the torn and bloody skin on his knee, the events of the previous night dawned on him and he froze still, sinking slightly against the wall.

He could almost feel another, deeper part of him slip and fall onto the cement beneath him.

-------------------------------

The bassist had finally made it back to his apartment building by nightfall.
The sky was once more cloudy and starless, but it had already rained as hard as it could the previous night, so no more rain was expected.

Almost falling into his apartment, Toshiya made his way over to his bed. He dropped upon it and simply lied there, remaining still. Had it not been for the shallow breathing still escaping his lips, one would have thought the dark haired man lying there was a corpse.

It was then he noticed, his cell phone was ringing.

Missing the call, the bassist finally reached into his pocket slowly. bringing the bright LCD screen in front of his eyes, he clicked his way through logs of missed calls from Die, until he reached the most recent one. Kaoru.

Toshiya pressed the green call button.

"He-hello?" came a shaky, choked answer from the other end of the line.
"You called," Toshiya stated, his voice completely lacking feeling.
"I did? Oh, I did.. Toshiya.. Toshiya.. It's Kyo,"
Toshiya stared off at the wall across from him, a numbness muffling any reaction from the inside out.
"He's dead, Toshiya.. suicide.. h-he was found--"
Toshiya hung up the phone, but the rest of his body didn't once flinch.

Hours later, his eyes at last closed and he passed out once more.

-------------------------------

It was morning, not a cloud in the sky. Toshiya's hair fluttered forward in the soft breeze, his dark hair framing his face.

He inched closer to the edge of his apartment building's roof, his feet grazing the edge.
He looked down at the busy street ten stories below, but the only images that he saw were the past two days.

Kyo, maybe we can talk this time.

He closed his eyes.

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Fri, 16 Mar 2007 07:05:06 GMT

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i wrote a fanfic.